Breathe Through The Pain

Yoga is a breathing practice. We all hear this over and over again. However, if you are someone like me who practices Ashtanga and Vinyasa, you may realize at times that you are more caught up in the poses than concentrating on your breathing. This happens, against all your efforts. Yesterday, though, in my Ashtanga practice, I experienced what a strong breathing practice yoga is.

Yesterday someone who is very close to me, and my family passed away very suddenly. There were no sicknesses that gave us any warning, nothing… She was only my mom’s age… All deaths are hard for people who are left behind, and this one certainly shook us greatly/heavily. 

We heard the news yesterday, and since then I had been feeling like I can’t breathe. As if someone is sitting on my chest, and not allowing me to take deep breaths, or give out long exhales. I was feeling like I could only take short inhales, leaving me feeling like I can’t breathe. When I woke up this morning, it was hard to get out of bed. It was as if I had balls and chains attached to both my ankles, and I had to drag them with me every step I take. I felt heavy and lethargic. Nevertheless, I got dressed and went to mysore class to do my daily Ashtanga practice.  I had already told my teacher about the devastating news the night before. I needed someone to know my pain…

When I came up on my yoga mat, and started practicing, I was practicing and thinking that I was breathing just fine, until my teacher walked up to me and gently said “long exhales”. I let out a long exhale, and that’s when I realized that I was still holding my breath… It was as if I was afraid of giving out long exhales, because I didn’t know what else I would be letting out if I allow myself to let go… My teacher whispered in my ear, “Your practice and breath are stable enough. So today your practice is to keep her in your heart and in your mind during your practice. Let it pour out”. As soon as I thought of her, it was like opening the doors of a dam… Wow… how much was I holding in? Tears rolled down my eyes. I was trying to breathe while I was crying and my whole body was shaking because I was still trying to hold back. The tears were rolling down my cheeks, and I was holding myself not to let out a cry.  I literally couldn’t breathe. One thing you can’t do without, when you are practicing yoga, is breathing. “Long exhales”, I reminded myself. My body already knows the whole primary series, so I directed all my attention and awareness to my breathing. And my practice turned into a breathing practice.

All my concentration and awareness were on my breath. In every single pose, I was in the pose but already forgotten about the pose; I was just trying to lengthen my breathing. I was counting my inhales, and exhales. Inhaling in five counts and exhaling in five counts every time. My body already knew the poses; I didn’t need to worry about getting in the pose. What I didn’t know how to do today was breathing. It wasn’t easy… It wasn’t easy to keep her in my mind and heart, and still breathe smoothly…

I realized that the past two days I have been dealing with the situation and keeping a straight face by not thinking about her… The knowledge was in my head, but I was pushing away the feelings in order to get through the minutes, the hours and the day. However, right now I was thinking about her and trying to soften every part of my body, especially my throat and breathing… I realized that that’s the actual practice of working on your feelings. Allowing those feelings to stay on the surface, simultaneously softening your throat and your face, and breathe smoothly, letting those feelings go through the whole body with every inhale, and release it out with every exhale.

Even while I was in Savasana I had a moment where I couldn’t breathe and felt like I was choking again… My teacher came and touched my throat, “soften here” he said. I softened my throat and there it was: the key to breaking out of the feeling of choking, and figuring out how to breathe again was softening your throat.

My practice lasted two hours and I didn’t even realize how time passed. Every day my practice lasts two hours, and at the end I always feel exhausted. I always feel the hard work of the past two hours. Today, I was feeling soft. Emotionally drained, but at the same time soft and refreshed.  I didn’t feel like the practice lasted two hours. It was as if I went on a journey through time, and I was waking up two hours later feeling lighter than the way I did two hours ago…

I poured my sadness, devastation, and heavy load of the feeling of helplessness out with my breathing all through out my practice. Since after the practice I can breathe better, and I keep reminding myself to lengthen my breathing… I breathe through the pain; I let it travel to every part of my body, let myself feel the pain, and then with an exhale release that pain keeping my throat, my face, my fingertips as soft as possible…

In Ashtanga practice, even though we may do the same poses over and over again day in and day out, what we practice may change. And these days my main practice is breathing… breathing through the pain…