Taking for granted

We always take somethings for granted. We take for granted the fact that we can put our pants on standing up, that we can hold our iPhone with one hand and pinch in or out to zoom in or out with our other hand, or that we can sing, and talk as much as we want. However, lately I am reminded that nothing is forever.

One of my yoga teachers who is very dear to me, had a traffic accident and had several of his bones broken in his one leg, which required him to have two surgeries and 3 weeks of bed rest. His full recovery is not promised, and he has a 3 to 4 months of recovery time ahead. A few days ago we learned that my dad’s shoulder muscles are torn, and he is required to have an emergency surgery, which he is putting off. During the recovery time he is not supposed to use his arm or hand for 6 weeks, and then seek physical therapy to fully recover his shoulder functions. And, recently, I have suffered a paralysis in my right vocal cords.

For the past couple months, my voice has been sounding funny at times. I didn’t know what was going on, so I finally went to a doctor and there I learned that my right vocal cords have been paralyzed. They can’t find a reason for this sudden paralysis, and they don’t offer any treatment other than speech therapy. The doctor is saying that I may get my voice back one day, but there is a possibility that it may never happen. I love to sing, and I am a yoga instructor. My job involves me to talk several hours a day, every day, to teach yoga. I used to love to sing at family and friend gatherings. However, right now, I can hardly talk.

I can’t recognize my voice anymore. It sounds like as if I have a cold all the time, or that I am suffering from flu. After I teach a class, I need to rest my voice, meaning I should just sit quietly, without talking. I learned that even if you are not talking, but watching Tv or hanging out in a place that has music, your vocal cords are responding to these sounds, so they are still working. Thus, in order to truly rest your vocal cords you need to sit in silence. So I’ve been learning to sit in silence, the rest of the time that I am not teaching, in order to save my voice for my next class (gives me more time, space and reason to meditate). I used to sing to up lift my spirits, to channel any kind of emotions I have. I loved those vibrations, and I can’t feel them anymore. When I chant, I can’t make some of the sounds and can’t create some of the vibrations. I used to love to sing… I haven’t been able to sing for so long… I can’t even recognize my voice. I don’t sound like myself. My family and close friends keep saying that I lost my sweet, soft sounding, smooth voice. I smile and nod and say that I can at least still speak, but deep down it hurts because I am longing for that voice as well.

I do believe that I am lucky that I can still speak, but it is hard to live with a voice that is not yours. It is hard to stop talking for a significant part of the day. I learned to choose my words; I learned to choose when to talk. I only talk about things if I really believe it is important to talk about them. Otherwise, I choose to save my energy and my vocal chords instead of wasting them on silly subjects. It is like saving your money until you believe you have something worthy of your money. I just never thought I would have this attitude towards talking…

I never smoked in my life. I always lived a healthy life. I practice yoga regularly. I don’t like yelling or screaming. I hardly ever raise my voice. But one day I wake up with paralyzed vocal cords. I don’t know what I have done wrong to hurt them, and the doctors say that it can just happen suddenly. I believe that our bodies always give out signals about what’s going on. If we are not taking good care of them, they give out signs for us to take a notice and do something about it. This time I guess I just missed the signals, and now I am searching a way to get over this state.

We all have the possibility to lose something we truly think we’ll have with us forever. Once again I am reminded not to take anything for granted. Nothing is forever. If you think it is, that’s a delusion. And if you love to sing, sing. And if there is something you want to tell someone, do so. Because one day, you may not have your voice to say those things. Don’t even take that for granted. Because I learned that sometimes people get their both vocal chords paralyzed, and can hardly talk or cannot talk at all.

In my yoga practice, I try to practice non-attachment, and this situation I’m in is a trial for me. I will go to speech therapy, and try to win back the functions of my right vocals. And during this time, I will need to learn how to be ok, and even be great, with what I’ve got: my left vocal cords.

Growing Pains

We change. We grow. We sometimes grow out of things. We grow out of sleeping with our stuffed animals, we grow out of watching cartoons, drinking milk before going to bed every night, we grow out of our clothes. Growing out of these kinds of things seem normal to us. It seems like the natural part of growing up. However, growing up and growing out of things doesn’t stop when we become an adult; they continue as we continue to live.

            As we continue to live, we change with what life brings to us. In time we may grow out of friendships. Some people, who used to be very close to us, may become acquaintances, and along the way we make new friends. As we grow and change what we expect from our friends and from people who are close to us change. Thus, the relationships change. How many of us are still in touch with all of our close friends in high school? Most of us just stay in touch with a few of them, and don’t get to see the rest of the class regularly. As we continue to live, we continue to grow, and the changes within us bring changes in our life. Things that used to seem appealing in the past don’t seem that way anymore. Even though it sounds and seems very saddening, this change is an integral part of life.

            Sometimes we can’t wait to move to the next chapter in our life, but sometimes we feel saddened by the end of an era. Some of these changes make us feel upset, such as breaking up with a boyfriend or a girlfriend, growing apart from a close friend, or a group of friends, quitting your job after many long years, moving to a new city, or a new country, etc. People may start moving towards different directions, and may not enjoy each other’s company as they used to, or get along as well as they used to. Moving on seems like the best step. However, all the memories, shared experiences, the comfort zone they have created in their lives in time might have prepared this step to be a very saddening one. We don’t want to let go off the things we got accustomed to, and people we grew close with along the way. We don’t want to move away from the comfort zone we’ve created for ourselves in our lives. Every time you start a new job, at a new office, with new colleagues, you enter into a new zone. Even if you quit your job voluntarily, you feel nostalgic about the friends and habits you have to leave behind.  The separation from the things we’ve been used to, and people we’ve been used to may be disheartening. It may be heartbreaking when we are going through that experience. However, if we can just embrace this new phase in our life, we may find this change liberating.

Taking that next step into the unknown and going towards that direction may be tough and scary. Nevertheless, these changes are actually coming from within you. You probably have been feeling like some kind of transformation has been taking place for a while. So, when you embrace this transformation and reflect it in your life, you may actually feel like you are embracing who you have become, and allowing yourself to be who you are. When you do that, you may realize that it is beautiful to surrender and let yourself flow with the natural cycle of life.

Don’t be afraid of the changes it brings. If you are feeling that change within you, then you have already started that journey. It may be time to stop being scared, and start taking pleasure in that change. Allow yourself to be yourself.

Welcome what you've been rejecting

Yoga is about being connected to our essence. However, if we show discontent to who we are today, then we are denying who we are, basically denying our essence, and moving away from it.  When we aspire to be something else or someone else, we move away from being centered, and direct our focus to outside, and future, to something we are not but want to be. Not accepting ourselves every day the way we are, takes us away from our essence. First we need to be content with who we are. We need to feel gratitude for the things in our life. Not just think it, but feel it deep within. Feeling gratitude for being able to stand on your legs, for being able to see, hear, love, and be loved. Feeling gratitude for every physical, and non-physical things that life offers to you. Feel gratitude, and then you will feel content with who you are, where you are in life, and what you have and don’t have.

            To be healthy as a whole, body and mind, the first step is accepting yourself for who you are.

Don’t compare yourself to others, or even to the way you were the day before. Who you are is happening today, right this minute, and it is only about you and no one else. So, look at today, look at your behaviors and habits. What do you see? To be able to accept yourself as a whole, first you need to see yourself, all of yourself, with all the parts of yourselves. Including the parts that you wish would never see the day of light, all the parts of yourselves that you don’t think is worthwhile to exist on this earth.

There are things about ourselves that we don’t want other people to know or see. First, you need to allow yourself to see those parts of you, and accept them. Acknowledge them. There can’t be full acceptance without first facing and acknowledging every part of you, the best with the worst, without judging but just accepting. How can you expect someone to love you for who you are, when you can’t even love yourself for who you are?

I personally have a hard time accepting myself. Since I started meditation and paying attention to being mindful about my emotions, I came to realize some thoughts and feelings of mine that I actually don’t appreciate. My first response to those thoughts was to treat them like they are not mine. I judged myself, criticized my thoughts and feelings and saw myself as a less of a person. Instead of welcoming them, as they came up more and more to the surface, I wanted to push them away more. It is so hard to be with yourself everyday all day long, and just want to get rid of your own skin and body, because you can’t accept some parts of yourselves. But how can I show so much compassion and understanding to others and not to myself? How can I be so kind to everyone, but not to myself? I decided to look at all the thoughts and feelings that come up, and just observe them, as if they are just thoughts, without identifying myself with them. Then, I didn’t push them away, I didn’t judge them. I greeted them, acknowledged them, and welcomed them saying that all these feelings and thoughts are humane. They are all for people, for us, and one is not better or worse than the other. Those feelings or thoughts didn’t define me: they’re just there like any other. I showed compassion to myself… ah, that was a relief. For once, I was not punishing myself in my head for this or that, for thinking or feeling in a particular way. Not punishing myself… I could exhale. I let myself just enjoy being, without judging. I felt light. So this is how it feels to receive support, understanding, kindness and compassion? Well, it felt nice… But to break the habit of criticizing myself for so many years, takes longer than just one try. Every single day, I catch myself criticizing, and judging myself, feeling like I am not enough. Just realizing all this is the first step. Hopefully in time, the moments that I come to accept myself will happen more often and last longer…

Then if you see a part of you that feels a burden to you, something that actually doesn’t make you feel good, but makes you feel down or upset, something you prefer to change, then find a new way to approach it, maybe make something else your new habit, and break this old one. Take one thing and build it on top of what it is today. This way you would include one more thing, one more habit maybe, to your daily life, but not with the “desire” to become something else. You will just be, and everyday you’ll continue to just be. Maybe that new habit will be a part of your being one day without you desiring to become something you are not.

But today, the first step is to see yourself as you are and befriend all the parts of yourself that you’ve been criticizing.

            There is no such thing as perfect, and there is no such thing as striving for perfection, because there is no such thing as perfect. There is just being. You are sacred. We all are; so treat yourself, and others that way. See yourself as you are, accept yourself the way you are, and love yourself for who you are.

“What we reject out there is what we reject in ourselves, and what we reject in ourselves is what we are going to reject out there.” (Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart)

Skill in Action

In Bhagavad Gita it says “yoga is skill in action`

It is not about whether you do a yoga pose the way it is shown in yoga books , or how much better or worse you do the pose compared to your neighbor. It is about how you do them; the intention you have while you are doing them

It is the same way in life. We may not get the results we want in every attempt we make in life, but the important thing is to have made the attempt with the right intentions, and using the best of our knowledge.

During your asana practice use the skills that you have learned, but don’t try to push yourself to what you think the pose should look like. Just keep the integrity of the pose. We are students on this path to Yoga and it is only natural that we have room for improvement. So, if you can’t go all the way down in hanumanasana, that’s fine. Go only as much as you can, and maybe you’ll stay off of the floor, and that’s fine. Try to keep your hips square at the same level, facing forward, and your upper body straight and you’ll be staying true to the pose and to yourself. It is much better to do that than trying to stretch your legs, and bring yourself to the floor and then hurting yourself because you couldn’t accept where you were.

Be faithful to which exists within you. And let it guide you, and if it tells you to stop at a certain point, keep your ego silent, and let your heart speak louder. That will help you to accept where you are and actually be content with it. 

So draw your awareness within, and listen to your body

Don’t hold back from what you are capable of, but beware when you know it is the place for you to practice acceptance than to practice the asana...